Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Botany good plants lately?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure