My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
mariah carrie
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.