Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The fall of Netflix
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”