911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.