nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
This meeting could have been a cake
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings