@andrewgutin: Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@reczit: Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
@ifuseekamynow: I want to follow you back, really, I do. But the hash tags. My god the hash tags.