Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
rise and shine we got egg
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.