NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder