@skullmandible: nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who's suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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@maymay72x: my husband...just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin..... someones not getn laid tonight.
@sublyfe2015: My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.
@novicefather: I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble. Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.
@FunnyJokeBook: Parents: "Why don't you come socialize with the family?" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*