@skullmandible: nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who's suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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@panmidwest: [chick-fil-a] EMPLOYEE: can i take your order? ME: yes, thank you for asking EMPLOYEE: my pleasure ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this ME: oh i’m just getting started
@markleggett: 1- Buy a big padlock. 2- Throw the key into the ocean. 3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes. 4- Attach padlock to earlobe. 5- Run.
@TheMadShattter: Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams