nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.