my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Is….Is this an option?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*