we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.