*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Harsh but fair
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.