Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.