Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35