“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
X-tra spooky blend
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.