I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…