“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You Might Also Like
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Bread puns are on the rise!
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Not today
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK