“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.