*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Tastes like chicken.
inventing words: clothing
thank god
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”