[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
You Might Also Like
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.