Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I think this should do it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us