Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude