Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!