North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“our sushi is very fresh”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it