North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane