@TheTweetOfGod: North Korea shows that you don't need religion to be crazy.
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@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
@rickolantern: My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [After reading vows] Me: Why are you upset? Her: Me: Was it the Donald- Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
@PaperWash: If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I'm going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.