North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.