North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The three genders
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat