Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno