I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Always a metermaid never a meter
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.