Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Stick it to the man
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.