Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve been drinking.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave