Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.