@jwoodham: Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@TampaBayMomma: Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
@lilgapeach30: Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together. Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.