@jwoodham: Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife? Me: Only by "automatic withdrawal."
@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?" me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"