Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car