@jwoodham: Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@Writepop: "Oh man, you've got stretched lobes and piercings? I've got stretched lobes and piercings, too!" "Sweet! We should hang out!" - Ear buds
@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*