@jwoodham: Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
@Coolisiana: "Alright they've left for vacation lets rob em" Oh shoot their porch lights are on "So what we literally watched them leave" Rules are rules
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday