@jwoodham: Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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@aveuaskew: Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
@deardilettante: Him: why doesn't anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn't anyone else want me?
@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO
@DumbConfessions: Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid.