Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.