Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?