Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.