@ethanklapper: Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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@FattMernandez: I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
@FrenulumBreve: [homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."
@Talkinghands69: When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."