Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Lol.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself