NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.