Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
and this one
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.