just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You Might Also Like
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke