Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.