Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
You Might Also Like
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Dolls on drugs
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.