Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
You Might Also Like
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Stop it! 😂
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Oh no
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.