Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Yup.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“You’d better run, egg!”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.