Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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Remember when the internet didn鈥檛 exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
There comes a point in every parent鈥檚 life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn鈥檛 getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I鈥檓 not convinced that Trader Joe鈥檚 is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn鈥檛 about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Whoa… oh I see lol
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she鈥檚 grounded
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
M: that鈥檚
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Don’t snitch tag.