Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
March 16
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.