If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You Might Also Like
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
inside you are two wolves
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry