@Tw1tter_K1tten: Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So....I'm transforming into Albert Einstein.
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@yenniwhite: Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell. After: get them to put on pants.
@rockymomax: [me as a doctor] ME: *delivers baby* congratulations NEW MOTHER: what is it ME: it's a baby idiot
@NewDadNotes: Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait...if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night? Me: [watching for the 751st time] ...well shit