@Tw1tter_K1tten: Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So....I'm transforming into Albert Einstein.
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@SortaBad: [Trump speaking at rally] I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
@SPAC3CRAF: Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727...
@causticbob: Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
@RocketRankoon: Comcast: "Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?" Me: "No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered."