One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
A woman drives into a bar.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!