@zero3_benz: You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@NicestHippo: Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard

@Cheeseboy22: "It's cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I'm so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don't have to go to Facebook today. You're welcome.

@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@BriarSlyMadness: If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans... ...don't worry about it. They're too weak to hurt you.