@SexytotheNorth: [First date] Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling? Him: Water? Me: No, my personality.

@InternetHippo: me: i just love traveling! my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Clean up your toys off the floor. 4-year-old: You have to clean, too. Me: They're your toys. 4: It's your floor.

@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation

@ThisOneSayz: *opens door* Stop screaming! *opens door* What broke?! *opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! ~parenting from the bathroom