funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
fly smarter, not harder
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The Joker was right
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND