@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@RxitWounds: *Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!

@iTomFoolery: How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.

@ThinkingSavage: I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

@squirrel74wkgn: My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.