[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.