Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The glory of fall.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Worst perfume name ever.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”