@WheelTod: Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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@justabloodygame: "I didn't choose the thug life." I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
@JediGigi: He said I won his heart and I was all "Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil."
@AmishPornStar1: Maybe I misheard him... But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.