@WheelTod: Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Friend: I'm surprised to see you eating a salad. Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
@AlexRogaski: [Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"
@SteveSackington: My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
@comer310: Kid: Are you the babysitter? Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I'll be watching you. It'll be fun! Kid: *horrified*